


Blueish

by someofthissomeofthat11011



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 07:11:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14563740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someofthissomeofthat11011/pseuds/someofthissomeofthat11011
Summary: In the cafeteria, Simon and Nick don’t leave the table after Martin steals one of Abby’s fries. So Simon is there when Martin makes his joke and when Bram practically starts choking on his fries, Simon discovers who he is.





	Blueish

“It must be Fry-day,” Martin says proudly. I resist the urge to roll my eyes. He and Abby have been going back and forth all lunch. It’s bad enough that he’s blackmailing me into helping him with Abby, but now it seems I can’t even get a break from him at lunch. I don’t need to turn to know that Nick is staring between them furiously. I guess I can understand his confusion. I did tell him Abby had a college boyfriend. “I guess I’m being loved, right? Right?” He nudges Bram, who kinda looks like he wants to disappear. “Hey, what do you get when you mix black and Jewish? Blueish.”

Bram starts choking on the fry he was eating and Garrett pounds on his back to try to help. “You okay man?” Martin asks concerned.

“Yeah, sorry,” Bram says in a raspy voice.

“He’s choking because your joke was practically about him,” Garrett explains. “Black and Jewish?”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were Jewish. Sorry man,” Martin says. “I didn’t mean to cause offense.”

Bram only shakes his head. He’s still coughing a little bit. Everyone at our table accepts Garrett’s explanation. I on the other hand, feel like all the blood left my face. I don’t understand it at first. Then I realize why Bram’s reaction unnerves me so much. It’s not the fact that I just learned he’s Jewish, just like Blue. It is his reaction to the punchline. Blueish. There’s only one person that would have cause to react like that.

“Why don’t we get you some water,” I suggest. “I’ve got a bottle in my locker.”

If anyone finds this suspicious, they don’t say anything and I think Bram must be eager to get away from Martin, because he agrees. He follows me out of the cafeteria and once we’re close to my locker, I turn to him.

“I don’t have water in my locker. I just wanted to ask you something and I couldn’t do it in there,” I explain. He looks at me curiously, which is making me nervous. “Why did you react like that to Martin’s joke.”

“It’s what Garrett said,” he said quickly. Too quickly. Plus, the blush kind of gives him away.

I cross my arms. “So it had nothing to do with the Blueish part?” I ask. Bram looks up at me surprised and I decide to press my luck. “Are you Blue?”

Bram freezes. “What… why… how?” He can’t quite settle on the question he wants to ask, but that answers my questions as much as if he had said yes. He’s quiet for a long time and I feel like he’s studying me. “Jacques?” He sounds breathless.

I nod. I can’t find my voice even though I desperately want to be able to ask him about a million questions.

“I don’t believe this,” he mutters. “You’re Jacques? You’re really gay?”

I stare at him. Of all the things I expect him to question, my gayness is not one of them. “Well I know that I probably overwhelm you with my long line of girlfriends.” I can’t help but sound a little bitter. I’ve gone through hell with Martin because I’m gay and he’s questioning it?

“That’s not what I meant,” he said quickly. He frowns and looks at the floor. “I thought it was you around Halloween. It was something about the way you were staring at me in Algebra and then I thought… well, hoped you were flirting with me at my party.”

“I was,” I say. It seems almost ironic that he had guessed who I was, just as I had guessed he was Blue. Until I saw him making out with a random girl, that is. “What changed your mind?”

“Garrett,” Bram explains. “He told me that Leah was staying at your place. He thought the two of you were hooking up and I dunno… it explained a lot.”

“Like what?” I ask incredulously. There is nothing even remotely romantic between me and Leah.

“I mean Leah can be a little… difficult to be around, but you never seem to mind it,” Bram explains.

“She’s my best friend. But nothing more,” I promise. “And what about you? I saw you with that girl that night.”

“I was drunk and confused. And insanely jealous of the thought of you hooking up with Leah. I wanted to distract myself,” Bram admits. “And it ended like a minute after you walked in on us.”

“So you hooked up with a girl because you thought I was straight?” I clarify. I try to wrap my head around that.

Bram shrugs. “I wish I hadn’t if it helps, but yeah. I guess so.” He looks down at the floor tiles. Before I can stop myself, I’m laughing. I can’t help myself. The irony is too great. “What’s so funny?”

“I thought you were Blue. Until I saw you kissing that girl, I was planning on telling you who I was. And the only reason I didn’t was because I thought you were straight once I saw that. And the whole time that happened because you thought I was straight. And I’m sorry man, but that’s freaking hilarious,” I tell him. I’m not sure I made any sense because Bram is looking at me like I’m crazy. But whatever. That’s funny stuff. I mean it sucks that it took us two extra months to figure out who we are, but maybe it was meant to happen this way.

Bram chuckles nervously. “So you’re not mad?” He asks uncertainly.

“Why would I be mad?” I study him. “You made a mistake. God knows I’ve done stupid things. I’ve had girlfriends. I’d be a freaking hypocrite if I was mad at you.”

Bram lets out a deep breath and smiles. He actually looks relieved. “Thanks. Now what?”

“I don’t know. What do you want? We’re not exactly out and I don’t think either of us thought this would happen this way,” I point out.

“No, this definitely isn’t how I thought this would happen,” he agrees.

“Did you ever think about it?” I ask curiously. “About how we would meet.”

“All the time. Didn’t you?” He asks.

I frown. “I think I was more so trying to find out who you were,” I say honestly. “I mean, I thought about it in the abstract, like I knew we were going to meet someday, but I never really thought of the specifics. What did you think of?”

“In one of your emails you said you spend way too much time at Waffle House, so I kind of always thought we would meet there. I always thought that I would tell you that I’d be the one in Blue and that we’d meet and talk for hours.” He turns so red that I have a feeling that there’s something he’s not telling me.

I don’t push him for more information. Instead I look at my watch. There’s five minutes left of lunch. “We still have time. I don’t know about you, but I could really be down for some waffles after school,” I tell him.

“It sounds like a date,” he says with a hesitant smile.

I can’t help the big smile that crosses my face. “A date,” I agree.

I float through the rest of the day. I have no idea what’s happening in my classes. My mind is wholly occupied by the fact that I’m going on a date with Bram Greenfeld after school. And by the fact that I’m not wearing something appropriate for a date, but that can’t be helped at this point.

When the bell rings, I stay by my locker for almost ten minutes until I realize we never quite decided on a meeting point. It turns out it doesn’t matter, because just as I realize that, he shows up.

“Sorry,” Bram says. “I had to tell coach I was missing practice.”

“Practice on a Friday?” I ask surprised.

“We always have practice the day of Homecoming. It’s not so much practice as an excuse for our coach to lecture us on the importance of being safe the night of Homecoming. I don’t know if you know this, but like 15 years ago, a kid on the soccer team died the night of Homecoming. So coach takes it very seriously,” Bram explains. I didn’t know that and I don’t know what so say to that, so I shrug awkwardly. “Are you going to the game? I can drive us to Waffle House and then back here for the game so you can get your car then… but only if you want.”

“I’d like that,” I say with a smile.

I follow him out to his car and I can’t help but look around when I climb into the passenger seat. His car is meticulously clean. It seamlessly fits into everything I know about him.

We don’t say a word until we get to Waffle House. The drive isn’t long enough for us to have a real conversation and I don’t think I’m the only one that doesn’t feel like making small talk.

We are seated immediately when we get there and since it’s still early, we get to pick our booth. We pick one that’s as out of the way as it can be in a public diner.

“Hey,” I say nervously once our waiter drops our menus on the table.

“Hi.” His smile is shy and nervous.

“I don’t think I’m ready to be out,” I blurt out. I don’t know what prompted me to say that, but once I said it, there was no taking it back.

Bram looks relieved. “Me neither,” he assures me. “But…” he chews on his lips. “This feels like a big deal and now that I know who you are, I don’t want to go back to not knowing.”

“I know what you mean. I… I want there to be something between us. I just want a little more time before the whole school knows what that is,” I clarify.

“Good,” Bram says. “On that topic, what do you want that something to be?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Let’s spend some time together as Simon and Bram and then decide. It’s so freaking weird, because I feel like I know everything there is to know about Blue, but I don’t know how that fits into who you are.”

“I’m the same person,” Bram says quietly.

I look up at him. “I know, just like I’m Jacques, but I’m also so much more than Jacques. There’s so much about you that I don’t know and I want to learn everything.” I glance down at his lips, thinking about how much I want to kiss him. “Everything.”

Bram looks down at the table and he looks so freaking cute in that moment. “I think we have to wait until we’re done in here to learn that particular aspect of everything,” he points out.

I nod and something dawns on me. As I was thinking about everything I wanted to learn about him, I realize there’s something I need to tell him before we can even talk about going further than what we are now. Something that may completely ruin whatever this is between us. “I need to tell you something,” I say quietly. “It’s about us… and Martin.”

He looks at me confused, as if he cannot fathom how the two are related. I take a deep breath. I remind myself multiple times that if we’re going to start something, we have to start it all on the same page. He has to know what he’s risking by being with me. So I start to talk. I tell him everything. From the screenshots to the blackmail to everything I’ve been doing to keep his identity hidden. I speak so long that our waiter came by twice to see if we were ready to place our orders.

When I finally finish, Bram considers me thoughtfully. “Now you know,” I say. “If it’s too much, I get it.”

Bram is silent for several minutes. “It’s not too much. I’ll admit, the idea of being outed like that terrifies me, but not as much as it would have before I started talking to you. This is where we’re heading anyway. When it happens, it’ll happen.”

“You’re taking this remarkably well,” I observe.

“It’s hard not to,” he says with a shrug. “You’ve clearly jumped through hoops to keep it from getting out and I appreciate that.” He studies me for a moment, making me feel self-conscious. “However, I think there is something you need to do. I think you need to tell Nick and Abby what you did. If they don’t hear it from you, they’re gonna be more hurt than if you tell them.”

I look at him nervously. “I would have to tell Nick I’m gay. I’d have to tell them both about you,” I start to say.

“Yes,” he interrupts me.

“Yes?” I ask incredulously.

“Yes,” he confirms. “I don’t want to be a secret from the people that matter to us. I want Garrett to know. I want Nick and Abby and even Leah to know. I may not want the whole world to know, but I don’t want to lie to the people that matter about who you are. This seems like as good a place as any to start.”

I fidget uncomfortably. “Will you stay with me?” I ask. It makes me feel like a little kid, but I can’t imagine having this conversation without him.

“Of course,” he promises.

The waiter returns and we finally give him our orders. I text Nick and Abby asking them to come to the school a little early so that we can talk before the game. Bram’s right. This conversation can’t wait.

I get a response from both of them within minutes. Abby asks me if everything is okay and includes about a hundred exclamation points and question marks. Then she sends me a second message saying she’ll be there. Nick just sends me a thumbs up. “Well, that’s done,” I tell him.

“Good,” he says. “And we can tell Garrett at the game. There’s a few other things we need to figure out.”

“Which are?” I ask uncertainly.

“When are we going to tell your family? And my parents? My dad knows I’m gay, but my mom has no idea.” He plays with the fork and knife in front of him, lining them up so they are perfectly straight on the table.

“I guess this weekend.” I feel inexplicably terrified at the idea of telling my family. It’s not that I think they’ll take it badly or anything, but there’s something about it that seems so frightening. I can’t quite place my finger on what it is.

“We don’t need to tell your family yet if you don’t want to, but I want my mom to know,” he tells me.

“No, I need to tell my family. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m just scared for them to know. They’ve never given me reason to think that they wouldn’t take it well… I mean my dad makes gay jokes all the time, but he’s harmless.”

“Is there part of you that maybe thinks that his jokes aren’t harmless?” Bram asks.

It sounds so much like something my mom would say that I almost laugh. “I guess we’ll find out. You’ll get along great with my mom. She’s a therapist and is super into analyzing people.”

“I kind of want to be a therapist when I’m older,” Bram tells me.

I never knew that about him. “Really? Is there a reason?”

“I don’t know. I guess, until I started talking to you, I was always confused about my feelings. It took me a long time to work through them. Over four years if I’m being honest with myself. The idea of being able to help someone who is working through all those confusing emotions is really appealing to me,” he explains.

“You’re freaking amazing, you know that right?” I say. He blushes and looks down at the table. “Seriously. You’re gonna make an amazing therapist one day.”

“Thanks.” He’s still not looking at me, but I know he’s pleased.

Our food is brought over and after that we fall into a comfortable banter. Talking with Bram in person is so much different than over email. He doesn’t have the chance to second guess the jokes he makes or how he teases me. It’s amazing and perfect and everything I ever imagined it could be. We stay at Waffle House until an hour before the homecoming game when we know we need to leave to meet Abby and Nick.

When we pull into the parking lot, I see Abby and Nick standing near my car. They are looking around confused. Their confusion deepens when they see me and Bram pull up.

It takes me a minute to get myself unbuckled and out of the car, but once I manage that, Bram and I walk toward them. Before they have a chance to say anything, I start talking. Abby already knows that I’m gay, but Nick doesn’t, so I rather bluntly come out to him before I tell him everything. It’s emotionally draining, having to talk about this twice in one day. I feel like I can sleep for days, but I know I’m not done yet.

“So you lied to us because you didn’t want Martin to out you?” Nick asks. He’s pissed and I can’t blame him. I did something wrong. It might take him awhile to get over this.

“Not exactly.” I glance back at Bram. “I did it to protect Bram.”

Bram takes a step forward and allows his fingers to weave through mine. Abby looks like she doesn’t know whether to be angry or excited and Nick’s mouth is literally open as he takes in what just happened.

“You’re gay.” It’s not a question, but Nick sounds like he expects someone to deny it.

“I am,” Bram confirms. His voice is a little shaky, but nothing else gives away how nervous he is.

“And you two. You’re together now?” Abby asks.

“Yeah,” I say. Despite how angry they are with me, I can’t help but smile. “But we’re not telling the school yet. We wanted the two of you to know, because… I couldn’t let Martin take Blue down with me when I didn’t know who he was. Bram knows that we could both be outed by Martin and somehow, he’s okay with that. And the two of you, you’re clearly into each other. I just… I couldn’t see another way of stopping Martin and I know I lied. And I’m so freaking sorry, you have no idea.”

Nick nods thoughtfully. “I… appreciate that you came to us with this, but you did a really shitty thing. Telling me that she had an experienced college boyfriend? I’ve been anxious about that for weeks. Weeks Simon. I get that you had some things going on, but that doesn’t give you the right to mess with our love lives,” he says angrily.

I nod. He’s not wrong. “I-” I start to say.

“Give me the weekend,” Nick interrupts. “I can’t talk about this anymore right now or I’m gonna say something I regret. Just give me a few days.”

I nod. “Okay.” My voice is barely a whisper and I feel like my heart is breaking as I watch two of my best friends turn their backs on me. Thank God for Bram, because I feel like he’s the only thing holding me together.

We still decide to go to the game. He holds my hand until we’re close to the stadium and when he releases me, I feel the loss.

We sit a few rows away from Nick, Abby, and Leah. I can almost feel Leah’s confusion when we don’t join them. They’ll fill her in soon enough.

When we see Garrett, Bram waves him over. I’m only half listening as Bram tells him about us. Okay, that’s a complete lie. I’m hanging onto every word. Garrett takes Bram being gay really well, but I’m still surprised when Garrett reaches over to slap my back. “Well done Spier,” he says which makes me blush deeply.

Bram and I sit close to each other, close enough that our arms are touching until we have to stand for the National Anthem. We turn to look at each other when the mascot practically wrestles Taylor for the microphone. I wonder if this is planned until the mascot takes off the giant bear head and I realize it’s Martin. Freaking Martin.

I feel the blood drain from my face as Martin professes his love for Abby, Abby rejects him, and Martin turns and sprints across the field. It is like watching a horror movie unfold. The game starts, but I can’t take my mind off Martin.

By the time the game is over, I am more ready for sleep than I ever thought I would be. I am practically a zombie as Bram and I walk back to our cars. I’m almost grateful that we parked so far from the football field in the main school lot, because it means we’ll be able to get out of the parking lot so much easier. I text Martin as we walk to check in on him.

Bram kisses my cheek before he climbs into his car. It leaves me feeling alert and wanting more. I watch him drive away. I decide that first thing in the morning, I will call him and we’ll find some time to be together. I freeze as I put my keys in the ignition, realizing we never exchanged numbers. I can’t wait for this, so I send him an email from my phone asking him to text me so I have his number.

I hear my phone ding before I get home and it takes all of my willpower to wait to check if it’s him.

The second my car is in park, I check my phone. My heart soars when I realize it’s him. His text reads _I guess we forgot something when we were talking, huh? Miss you already <3_

I can’t help but smile. It’s corny and sappy, but I love it. And I’m like 99% sure he’s joking, but I don’t care. I text him back. _Miss you too!!!!!! Come over tomorrow?_

His response is almost instantaneous as if he had been waiting for my response. In a matter of minutes, we had sent more text messages than we sent emails in a day. I love texting! _When do you want me?_

I respond: _Always._

The minutes tick by and I reluctantly get out of my car. When I walk in my parents ask me how the game was. I told them it was boring and that we lost before I book it to my room.

Bram calls me as I’m walking in. I shut the door firmly behind me before I answer him. “Hey,” I say breathlessly as I flop down against my bed.

“Hey,” he answers. I can get used to this.

“So that game tonight,” I say. “Who saw that coming?”

“I think we all knew he was going to ask Abby out at some point, but never in a million years did I think he would do it that way,” Brams says. I can imagine how he would shake his head. I know he feels bad for Martin. I do too. I wish he would answer my text message just so I can have some kind of indication of how he’s holding up. “You know he’s going to out you, right?” He sounds reluctant to bring it up, so I know it took some effort.

I sit up straight. I hadn’t thought of that until Bram said it, but now it makes sense. “Maybe he won’t. I tried to help him,” I whisper. Despite Bram’s earlier assurance that if we are outed, he will be fine with it, I still had a feeling he might disappear on me if this got to be too much.

“Maybe,” Bram says. But I can tell he doesn’t really believe his words.

“Distract me.”

And he does. It turns out Bram is an excellent distraction and before I ever make the conscious choice, I float off to sleep. I wake up about an hour later, still fully clothed with my phone pressed against my cheek. I hear a low snoring coming from my phone and it takes me a moment to realize I wasn’t the only one that fell asleep. The thought makes me smile. “Goodnight,” I whisper into my phone.

This must cause him to stir slightly, because I hear him mumble, “g‘night” before I hang up.

I sleep soundly that night. It was a weird day. A lot of good things happened and a lot of bad things happened; and my body is in desperate need of a break.

When I wake up, I have a goofy smile on my face and I don’t need to think too hard to know that Bram is the cause of it.

My next two days pass in a haze. We haven’t told our parents yet, because we wanted some time together before we have to complicate things with parents. We had agreed that we would break the news before New Year’s.

On Christmas Eve, I slept in until 11 am, because Bram and I were up until almost 4am talking on the phone. I am not sure if Bram is awake, so I send him a text. Despite how happy I am, something feels weird. It doesn’t feel like Christmas Eve.

He calls me. “Hey, I’m on my way. Meet me outside.” There’s something weird in his voice.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“I’ll show you when I get to you. I’ll be there soon,” he promises.

When he gets to my house, he immediately tells me to go to my computer. He follows me to my bedroom and I tell my mom we’re working on a project for school as we’re climbing the steps. I shut my door firmly behind us and open up my laptop.

I login and pass it to him. “Merry Christmas Eve. Will you tell me what’s going on now?” I ask.

He pulls something up and passes my laptop back to me. I think I must stare at my laptop screen for 30 minutes. Bram had warned me that this was a possibility, but somehow I didn’t think it would be quite this bad. It’s not even Martin’s post that gets me, though that’s awful in itself. His declaration that I am gay wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t worded it like I was some kind of male prostitute the would hook up with any interested guy. But no, that’s not what got me. It was the comments. Some were really bad and some were supportive; they all made me wish that my floor would open up and swallow me whole.

I am quiet so long that Bram pushes my laptop closed and takes it away from me. “Say something,” he whispers.

“Don’t disappear,” is all I can choke out before the waterworks start. I don’t realize until I start crying how scared I am that this will be too much for him. It’s one thing to talk about it in the hypothetical, but it’s another thing entirely to be experiencing it in real life.

I had told myself on countless occasions that I was staying in the closet for Blue, that I would not have a problem with coming out. Now that it has happened, I feel like I would give anything for the safety and security of my closet. Blue was the excuse I used to rationalize it to myself; however, now I know the truth. Now I know that I was not ready… I’m still not ready to be out. It’s more than the whole world knowing I’m gay. Being who I really am seems terrifying. And it’s all the more terrifying because it’s not happening on my terms. Someone else made the decision that I should be out. Someone else decided how I should come out and they decided that in the worst, most public way possible.

It is difficult to tell whether fear, anger, or this piercing feeling of loss is more prominent. I go through different periods where it is obvious which one of them is consuming me, but for the most part they all blend together. It’s too much.

I’m only half aware when Bram wraps his arms around me. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promises.

I don’t know that I believe that, but I take strength from knowing that, at least for now, he is not going anywhere. It takes me nearly an hour to calm myself down.

I wipe my eyes off on my shirt and take another couple of minutes to make sure that I have cried myself out. I shift a little so I’m looking at Bram. “I’m so sorry. I should have listened to you when you said this was possible. We should have planned to get ahead of this. Now it’s too late,” I say. “It’s too late for me, but not for you. You can pretend you know nothing about this. You can stay in the closet.”

“No,” he says. I’ve never heard his voice sound like this before. He sounds so absolutely certain of himself. He lifts my head up so that I’m looking him right in the eye. “No,” he repeats. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Before I have the chance to form a coherent argument, he kisses me. I’m grateful I’m not crying anymore, because I don’t want anything to get in the way of how this kiss feels. Bram is a seriously magical kisser. It makes me want to kiss him forever and never do anything else. I’ve never kissed a guy before and Bram has a little stubble on his chin when I bring my hand to it. It throws me off at first, but I actually kind of like it. When he brings his hands to the back of my neck and shifts so I’m practically sitting in his lap, I can’t help the sigh that escapes me. There’s nothing like the feel of Bram.

Someone knocks on my door and immediately walks in. I’m painfully aware of how long it takes us to disentangle ourselves and I mentally prepare myself to explain this to my parents or Nora, whichever one of them had just walked in.

I am surprised and a little relieved, when I see Nick. “Hey. Your mom let me in. She called for you, but I guess you were… occupied,” Nick says. “She told me I could come up.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask surprised. My face still feels hot, so I’m sure I’m still flushed from getting caught. I don’t say what I’m thinking which is that I didn’t think I was actually going to hear from him again.

“I don’t think I really understood,” he said quietly. “I didn’t understand why you would lie to me to keep your secret safe and to protect Bram. But, I saw that post and I read the comments. I saw what they’re saying about your ‘mysterious penpal’. People are actually placing bets on it. And I dunno… I guess I thought it wasn’t as big of a deal as you were making it out to be. I didn’t know it was still like this, because it’s never been something I thought that much about. I guess it’s easy enough for a straight guy to assume no one has a problem with gay people anymore.” Nick sighs. He’s usually not the best with talking about his feelings. He is more of a shoot bad guys on video games kind of person, so the fact that he’s putting in the effort means something. “What I’m trying to say is, I was really angry because I didn’t understand why your secret was so important to you. But I get it now. And it’s really important to me that you know that you’re not alone now…” He glances between me and Bram as an amused look crosses his face. “But I’m guessing you already figured that one out.”

I turn bright red. “He came over to show me the post,” I explain.

“Uh huh. I’m sure that’s all that happened.” Nick rolls his eyes. “Abby told me I needed to hold your hand or some shit like that.”

I put my hands behind my back. I am about to say that I am not holding his hand when Bram grabs my hand. “Tell her that I’ve got that one covered,” Bram says boldly.

“All right. But know that I would.” He is smiling nervously as he nods.

“I’ll be sure to tell Abby that,” I promise. “Does that mean she forgives me?”

“Yeah. She called me like ten seconds after it was posted to creeksecrets and told me that we’d been complete idiots,” he explains. He’s smiling softly.

“How did things go with the two of you on Friday?” I ask. I had been so caught up in Bram, I hadn’t really considered that my confession might have spurred them to talk to each other about their feelings.

“We got together,” Nick says, his smile getting bigger.

“That’s great man. I’m happy for you.” I mean it. I still feel guilty that I lied to them, but I feel a little less guilty knowing that I kind of righted my wrong… as much as I could at least.

“What are the two of you going to do?” Nick asks. “We’ve got your back either way, but I’d kind of like to know what to expect.”

“We haven’t really talked about it,” I admit.

“We talked before he got outed, but this changes our plan,” Bram clarifies.

Nick nods. “Well, you do have almost two weeks to figure it out,” he says.

I frown as I turn to Bram. I completely forgot today was technically the start of our winter break. “Weren’t you going to your dad’s today?” I ask.

“My stepmom is pregnant and she isn’t feeling up for company right now. I’m probably going for a long weekend,” he says with a shrug. He’s not looking at me which is odd.

I nod though I have a feeling he is keeping something from me. “We don’t have all the answers, but obviously I’m out now. There’s no getting around that,” I tell him. “And you read the comments. Some people are… freaking horrible. School is going to suck no matter what we decide and honestly, just knowing you forgive me is going to make it so much easier.”

Nick nods. “We’re here for you.” He fidgets uncomfortably. “Um… you should know. I talked to Leah when I was on my way over here.”

“Crap. How pissed is she?” I ask.

“She’s not angry so much as…” Nick frowns. “You know how she gets when she feels left out.”

I sigh. “I’ll talk to her today. It’s not going to be pretty,” I grumble.

“I think a lot of things aren’t going to be pretty for you,” Nick says sadly. He looks at me like he wants to say more, but shakes his head. “If you want to talk, I’m here for you. Both of you.” He glances down at his watch. “I’ve got to meet Abby for lunch, but…”

“I’ll call you later,” I promise. “Have fun!” Once he leaves, I wait a few minutes before I turn to Bram. “I think it’s time that we have lunch as well.”

“Why do you look so nervous for lunch?” Bram asks me. I thought I was hiding my nerves okay, but I guess not.

“Because I need to tell my parents. I can’t wait to tell them. What if another parent finds out from their kid and calls them? Or what if someone posts the link to Facebook? My parents are pretty active on it because they want to pretend they’re not aging,” I ramble.

“Okay, so you’re freaking out about this,” Bram says slowly.

“I’m not freaking out,” I snap back. I can’t help but laugh a little, because he’s right. I am a complete mess right now.

After a minute, Bram joins me. “That’s better,” he teases. “And I’ll be right here. The whole time.”

I nod nervously. “Thanks.” I take a deep breath before I climb to my feet and pull him to his feet.

I walk past the kitchen and go straight into the living room where I know my parents will be. They can be found in here 99% of the time. Nora is sitting on the floor looking up something on her laptop. At least I won’t have to have this conversation twice.

“I need to talk to you about something,” I say. My voice is barely audible and at first, I don’t think my parents hear me.

Then my mom pauses the movie they are watching. “What’s up honey?” She has this way of looking at me like she is peering into my soul.

“I need to talk to you all about something,” I repeat, even though that’s obvious at this point.

No one says anything for a moment and the silence makes it harder. Why are two words so difficult to get out? This is my family. They’ve known me for forever. I shouldn’t be so afraid to tell them who I really am.

My dad, true to form, tries to break the tension. “Let me guess. You got someone pregnant,” he says. He probably would have gone on and on. The time that I accidentally hit our street sign to swerve around a squirrel, he made about fifty absurd guesses before I managed to tell them what I had done. Ironically, me being gay had been one of his guesses, but I definitely hadn’t planned on breaking that news to him in addition to my minor accident.

But, he doesn’t have the chance to go on because Bram makes a weird noise that’s a mix between a giggle, a cough to hide that giggle, and something that I think sounds like indignation. I don’t expect his reaction and I don’t think my family knows what to make of it. He looks at the ground, the embarrassment obvious on his face, when I raise my eyebrows at him.

I guess I understand his reaction. It is so beyond the realm of possibility that I could have or can get a girl pregnant, considering I have no interest in having that kind of sex.

My mom sits up a little straighter in her seat. “Did you get someone pregnant?” Her reaction is comparable to someone’s in a horror movie.

“Um no,” I say. I shoot Bram a warning look so that he won’t laugh. “Believe me, no.” I take a deep breath. “Actually, what I wanted to tell you is that I definitely will not be getting anyone pregnant.”

“Simon, we’ve had this talk before. There are some methods that teenagers think will prevent pregnancy, but you can’t always rely on condoms or timing,” my mom says gently. She’s trying to make this as not awkward as possible, but she’s failing.

“Oh my god. Do you hear yourself?” I ask incredulously. “I’m not going to be getting anyone pregnant, because Bram is my boyfriend!” I’m shocked that it came out like that, but I’m mortified by her little sex talk. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Bram stiffen. I realize that we had agreed to wait to figure out what we are, but I don’t know… calling him my boyfriend felt so right. I hope he will roll with it. I don’t feel like I can end there, because I didn’t actually say it and it needed to be said. “I’m gay. And I don’t want you to think anything different of me. I’m still me.”

Nora is pointedly looking at the floor which makes me think that this doesn’t come as a surprise to her. She must have seen the post. My mom looks thoughtful, but not surprised.

My dad on the other hand is actually staring at me with his mouth agape. “You’re gay, huh?” He asks. Part of me know what’s coming next and I’m internally begging him not to do it. I know my dad. I know his instinct in uncomfortable situations is to make jokes. So I’m not surprised when the next question out of his mouth is, “so, which girlfriend turned you?” I’m not surprised, but I am disappointed.

“Do you ever shut the hell up?” Nora asks furiously. No one expects that from her.

“I’m joking. It’s just a joke,” my dad says.

“It’s not funny,” she says. I can’t help but stare. Nora never talks to our parents that way. She is usually quiet and she’s the queen of bottling up the things that upset her.

My dad stands up and leaves without another word to any of us. My mom looks like she has no idea how to salvage this and if I’m being honest, it is a lost cause at this point. “Right. I’m going to Bram’s. I’ll text you if I’ll be out late,” I say quickly.

I practically run out of my house and Bram is hot on my heels. I climb into Bram’s car. I don’t know if I want to cry or scream… maybe both. Before I can close my door, he is by my side. “Simon,” he says softly.

I turn so I’m sitting facing the outside world instead of his dashboard. “Yeah?” I ask.

He looks like there’s a million things he wants to say, but in the end he doesn’t say anything. He kisses me. It isn’t long. We are out in the open in the middle of Georgia and we know anyone could see us. When he breaks the kiss, he looks me in the eyes. “So you’re my boyfriend, huh?” He asks. I feel a slight thrill at the question which is only made stronger when I realize he’s not upset with me.

“Are you okay with that?” I ask.

“Yes,” he breathes. He kisses me again, this time it’s just a quick peck, but somehow that makes it even more special.

I turn so I’m facing forward as he walks to the other side of the car. “Do you mind if we make a quick pit stop before we go to your place?” I ask as he starts the car.

“Sure thing. Where to?”

“Leah’s. I figure we may as well get all the shitty stuff done in one day, right?” I play with my fingers, because I don’t know what else to do to ease my anxiety over this.

Bram frowns. “Maybe it will help if we have something to look forward to after this,” he suggests.

“Like what?” I ask.

“A real date?” He suggests. “After we tell my mom, we can go out to dinner… maybe catch a movie. I’ll drive you home and kiss you goodnight. We can have a real first date.”

I can’t help but smile. “You actually want to go out with me? In public?” I confirm.

“Yes.” He looks excited at the idea of going out with me, which makes me happier than I thought possible. It almost makes me forget about the shitshow that was coming out to my family… almost, but not quite.

“I think we’ll have earned that after the day we’ve had.”

Leah lives less than a minute from me. I’ve comfortably walked to her house before. So before we even finish our conversation, Bram has pulled up to the curb outside her house.

I send her a text. _Come outside. Please!_

She never responds, but I know she sees it because five minutes later she walks out her front door. I get out of Bram’s car. He stays in the driver’s seat. This is my battle after all. His hands idle over the steering wheel and he looks as nervous for me as I feel.

Leah meets me near his car. “So you want to talk to me now? You don’t want to go to your real BFFs?”

“I’m sorry. I was planning on telling you this weekend. I didn’t think you would find out this way,” I tell her seriously.

“Why did you tell Nick and Abby, but not me?” She asks. “You’ve known me for thirteen years Si!”

“I only told them first because I had to,” I tell her. I’m so freaking exhausted from talking about Martin, but I know I owe it to her. “Martin is the one that made that post on creeksecrets. He was blackmailing me into helping him get with Abby. That guy in the emails? I was trying to protect him so I lied to both of them and I needed to fix that.”

Leah nods. “Okay,” she says. I think she’s still upset, but I also know there’s nothing I can do. I can’t change my reasons for not having come out to her sooner, so only time will help her get over it. I guess she doesn’t need much time, because after a minute a smile crosses her face. “So this guy in your emails. Do you love him?”

If I’m surprised by her question, that’s nothing compared to Bram. He accidentally presses down on his horn as he stares at us, his mouth agape. For the first time, it occurs to me that his window is down and he can hear every word we are saying. “Sorry,” he says hoarsely.

Leah looks confused, but doesn’t say anything further about Bram’s odd behavior. “So tell me about this guy,” she presses.

I glance at Bram and motion for him to get out of the car. “Maybe you recognize him,” I say softly.

It takes her a minute to understand what I’ve just said and when she does, her face lights up. “Bram. You and Bram.” She looks at Bram. “You and Simon?”

She’s not at her most coherent right now and I can’t blame her. I’m pretty sure she was convinced of Bram’s straightness just as much as I was. “Us,” I agree.

Just to emphasize my point, Bram takes a couple of steps closer to me and stands by my side so our arms are touching. “Us,” he repeats.

“Wow. Okay… wow,” she says. “That’s great. A little unexpected. But great. You’re a really lucky guy Bram, because Simon’s pretty incredible.”

“I know.” Bram looks at me affectionately and it makes me feel like my heart is too big for my chest.

“Thanks. Both of you.” I turn to Leah. “I’m gonna hug you now,” I warn her.

“No,” she says taking a step back. She doesn’t put up an actual fight when I take a step towards her. Leah’s not usually a touchy-feely person, but she doesn’t try to pull back from the hug early or anything like that. I think she needed it as much as I did.

We stay with Leah for a few more minutes before we leave for Bram’s house. I feel so much better after talking with Leah and I think Bram does too.

We’re both clearly in high spirits when we walk into his house, something his mom immediately picks up on. “Mom, this is Simon. Simon… my mom,” Bram introduces us. “Mom, Simon and I actually wanted to talk to you before we go out tonight.”

If she notices how I blush when Bram casually mentions going out, she doesn’t say anything. She probably doesn’t think anything of it. Going out doesn’t always mean in a date kind of way. She leads us to the living room and we all take seats. It reminds me so much of how it looked when we came out to my parents that I felt myself getting anxious. “What’s wrong sweetie?” His mom asks concerned. I’m not the only one wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Bram looks like he’s ready to hyperventilate.

“I’m gay,” he says after several, uncomfortable minutes pass. “Simon and I… we’re boyfriends.”

“Okay,” she says softly. Her face is completely neutral. She looks back and forth between us a couple of times before she stands up. She walks over to Bram. with him sitting down, she stands only a couple of inches taller than him. It surprises me that she’s so short when Bram is so tall. “I love you. Nothing will change that.” She kisses his forehead and then takes a seat on the arm of the couch. She turns to look at me. “Tell me about yourself. How did you two meet?”

I smile a little. I think this is how she would have acted if Bram were to introduce a girlfriend to her, which makes me feel pretty good. In a heartbeat, she accepted that we’re gay and that her son is dating me. My parents could learn a lot from her.

“Um… we actually have been talking via email for almost four months now,” I explain. “We were talking anonymously at first, but recently figured out who we were and now… here we are.” It seems like such a lame explanation for something that I regard as a pretty epic love story, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing anything else with her. I mean, this is Bram’s mom. I figured he should decide how much of our relationship she’s aware of.

She nods thoughtfully. “And what are your intentions with my son?” She asks.

“Mom!” Bram says mortified.

I feel my face getting hot, but I force myself to answer. “Mrs. Greenfeld, I really care about your son. He has helped me become more comfortable with being gay. Because of him my best friends and family know.” I don’t add that it’s mostly because of Martin. That seems like it would ruin the moment. “You have an incredible son and I intend to help him see that.”

It sounds corny, but it makes her tear up. She nods. “It was lovely meeting you Simon,” she says softly before she leaves. “Have fun on your date tonight.”

“How did she know we’re going on a date tonight?” I ask.

“She knows everything,” he says in a rush. “Did you really mean what you said about me?”

I look at him. “Every word,” I promise. “You, Bram Greenfeld, are an incredible guy and I wouldn’t want anyone else to be Blue.”

He looks away. I get the idea that he doesn’t really like talking about himself. That will most definitely have to change. “You ready to go?” He asks me.

“Let’s do this.” I follow him back out to his car. We end up going to a diner I’ve never heard of. It’s one that he apparently frequents with his mom. Then we try to see a movie, but the one he wants to see is sold out, so we end up just walking around the shopping plaza for an hour while we wait for the next showtime. We don’t hold hands, because the idea of doing that in public still makes us nervous, but there must be something that is making it obvious to people, because we get a couple of dirty looks and one younger girl tells us that we’re really cute together.

During the movie, I am wholly distracted by Bram. I intentionally reach for the popcorn when he does and we never break the contact. I look for every excuse to get closer to him and by the time the movie is over, my head is resting on his shoulder and I’m tracing little shapes on his arm.

True to his word, he drives me home after that and gives me a goodnight kiss I won’t soon forget. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I promise. I don’t go inside until his car disappears into the night and when I do, I know I must have a sappy smile on my face.

“Did you have a nice time tonight?” a voice calls from the living room. It startles me so much, I nearly jump out of my skin. I turn to see my mom and dad sitting on the couch. The only thing illuminating the living room is the moon through the window.

I flick on the light. “What are you two doing up?” I ask. I had texted her letting her know that I would be home late, so I knew I shouldn’t be in trouble.

“We wanted to talk to you,” my mom explains.

I play dumb. “About?” She doesn’t dignify that with a response and I can’t really blame her. I lean against the wall. “Lay it on me.”

I don’t know what I am expecting, but it isn’t for my dad to stand up and give me a hug. “I’m sorry,” he says softly. I’m stiff at first, but I eventually relax into his hug. When he pulls back, I’m surprised to see he’s crying. “Look, I know that I pride myself on being a cool dad and the way I reacted… was the opposite of that. I make jokes when I’m nervous and I know that wasn’t the best time for me to be making jokes. I love you kid.”

I cough, trying to hold in the tears that are threatening to escape me. “God dad,” is all I manage to say.

My mom joins him by his side. “I need you to hear this. When you came out to us, you said you didn’t want us to treat you any different. You told us you are still you.” She waits until I’m looking her in the eye to continue. “You are still you Simon. But more than that, you get to be you now. You get to be more you than you’ve been with us for a very long time. We love you no matter what. We are so proud of you.”

My parents wrap their arms around me and there’s no use trying to hold back my tears now. Somehow, we end up kneeling on the ground for several minutes as they hold me. I feel like a little kid again, but in the best way. I feel like my parents are keeping me safe and like nothing can hurt me so long as I have them. It’s something I haven’t felt in a long, long time. I had been so jealous when Bram came out and his mom took it so well, but no offense to Mrs. Greenfeld, I wouldn’t trade her reaction for this moment. Not for anything.

The next two weeks fly by. Bram and I see each other every day, except for the weekend he’s visiting his dad. Even then, we talk on the phone every day. His dad has a landline and thank god for that. He left for his dad’s New Year’s Day which fortunately, gave us the opportunity to ring in New Years together. We ignored Leah, Nick, Abby, and Garrett’s cheers when we were still kissing a couple of seconds after the Peach dropped. It was just the six of us, which meant we didn’t have to be on guard with how we were acting around each other.

He doesn’t get back from his dad’s until the night before we go back to school and I feel like I’m going through withdrawal. I haven’t seen him in four days and I can’t wait for the drive to school to see him. I’m thrumming my fingers as I pick up Leah, Nick, and Abby. It’s so bad that Leah gets in the back seat, claiming that I’m going to be unbearable if there’s a row of seats between us. In truth, I think she thinks that Bram has earned that seat.

When I pull up to his house, I see him walking down his front yard. I can’t wait. “Be right back,” I mutter. I put my car in park and practically fall in my rush to get out. I meet him by the curb and I know that he’s missed me just as much as I missed him, because he engulfs me in a hug and wastes no time in telling me just how much he’s missed me.

He kisses me lightly. “You should never go away that long again. At least not without me,” I say seriously. I feel like I’m trying to re-memorize his features. I know we’ve technically only been together like two weeks, but I feel like I’ve known him forever.

“Deal,” he agrees. “Every time I go to visit my dad, you should definitely come with me. It was a long four days without you.” He kisses me one more time.

“We’re gonna be late for school,” Leah calls through the window.

I feel my face getting hot and I know from Bram’s smile that I’m blushing. I had kind of forgotten about them. It’s early enough that the risk of being seen by anyone is minimal, but it’s still a risk.

We’ve been as subtle as possible with the PDA every time we’ve been in public and we decided that we are going to take the same approach with school. We’re not going to actively hide it; so we’re going to walk to class together when we can, eat lunch together, and spend as much time together as possible. We just aren’t going to kiss in the hallway or hold hands an unnecessary amount. Though Bram argued there was no such thing as an unnecessary amount of hand-holding, I knew he agreed with our approach to school.

We have English and Algebra together, the first two periods of the day. In both of those classes, I sit in the back and several kids kept turning around to openly stare at me. In English class, where we don’t have assigned seats, Bram sits next to me and glares at everyone that gives me weird looks.

There are two periods between Algebra and Lunch and they are really long classes. When I finally see him again, I can’t help the huge smile that crosses my face. He is waiting outside my locker so that we can walk to lunch together. I can still feel the same whispers and stares that have been following me all day, but as we join our friends at our lunch table they don’t bother me as much.

I feel like nothing can bring me down until two guys dressed like me and Ethan come into the cafeteria. I recognize them as Spencer and Aaron. They are blasting music and immediately climb up on the table and pretend to make out. I am out of my seat in a heartbeat and I know without looking that Bram is following me.

“Is there something you want to say to me?” I ask angrily.

I see Ms. Albright out of the corner of my eye. She looks like she’s about to interfere, but something stops her. That kind of pisses me off. She never struck me as the kind of person that was uncomfortable with confrontation. I don’t realize what’s happening until Spencer looks behind me, his eyes wide with surprise. I turn around and realize it wasn’t just Bram that followed me when I stood up. Nick, Abby, Leah, and Garrett were standing behind us. A few other kids that weren’t really friends with me also stood up, but didn’t walk towards where we are.

“Do you have a problem with Simon?” Bram asks. He puts his hand on my shoulder and looks at Spencer and Aaron threateningly. The entire cafeteria is silent except for the music coming from their speakers and they apparently have nothing to say. “I didn’t think so.”

Spencer and Aaron look uncomfortable, as if they hadn’t anticipated anyone standing up to them. “Thank you all. I can take it from here,” Ms. Albright says walking over. It takes me a minute to realize why she didn’t immediately interfere, but I see now that she was letting us take a stand. I know without having to ask that Aaron and Spencer aren’t going to give me anymore problems. “Get off the table and you can march your asses to Mr. Worth’s office. I’m sure he would love to talk to you.”

“You can’t talk to us that way,” Spencer says.

“Actually, I can. Do you want to know why? Because you’re the two assholes that did that shitty thing in front of the whole school,” she said angrily. “Now move it.” Kids all around them cheer as she shepherds them from the cafeteria. She is really laying it on them as they walk towards Mr. Worth’s office.

I turn to my friends. “Thanks,” I whisper.

“Anytime,” Nick says with a shrug. We all go back to our lunch table. I realize how lucky I am to have them in my life.

Over the next two weeks, the entire school comes to realize that there is something happening between me and Bram. We haven’t openly called ourselves boyfriends while at school and Bram hasn’t officially announced that he’s gay, so some people seem kind of confused about whether we’re dating or just really great friends. But they know there’s something.

“So, what do you think about going to the carnival on Sunday?” He asks me one day. We’re loitering by my locker before we go to lunch. This has been the only time we’ve gotten to see each other this week. Play practices are keeping me at school pretty late, which means I’m eating dinner over my textbooks, so all we’ve managed are quick phone calls to catch up before we go to bed. Our first actual performance is tonight and the last performance is a matinee on Sunday. He promised me that we would go out after that.

“We’re supposed to go on a date Sunday,” I whine. If it weren’t for the fact that our contact is limited to less than an hour a day, which is not nearly enough time, I wouldn’t be complaining.

“I know,” he says. “I was thinking we can go on our date to the carnival.”

“I want to be able to hold your hand and kiss you on our date,” I tell him. I know if he really wants to go, we’ll go, but I was really hoping for something a little more private.

He hesitates. “I’m okay with that,” he says seriously. “I’m not ashamed to be with you. If you want to hold hands as we walk around the carnival, let’s do it.”

“Really?” I ask him.

“Really,” he promises.

“Then I can’t wait.” I squeeze his hand lightly before we go to lunch. We get knowing looks from our friends. We’ve been late to lunch every day this week and I’m pretty sure they think that we’re making out in the custodian’s closet or something. I don’t bother to correct them because I know they wouldn’t believe me.

Bram comes to every performance and the few minutes I get to see him afterwards are amazing. It’s not enough time, but the fact that he’s going out of his way to see me makes me feel like I’m floating on a cloud.

Finally, it’s Sunday. We meet Nick and Abby and get in line to buy our tickets. Leah had texted us saying she was going to be late, so we go on in. I hesitantly extend my hand to Bram and he nods before he takes it. We attract a lot of stares, but I notice it’s not as many judgmental stares as curious. While waiting in line for the ferris wheel, I hear one girl tell her friend she owes her five bucks. I’m hoping I heard that out of context, because the idea that people bet on our relationship makes me uncomfortable.

I get more nervous the closer we get to the ferris wheel. We don’t get in line until it is dark, so there is almost a thirty minute wait. I’ve been planning the moment for days and I want it to go flawlessly. He notices that I’m nervous, but doesn’t ask me about it. He knows I’ll tell him when I’m ready.

When we sit down in one of the carts and start to rise, I turn to him. “Hey Bram?” I ask nervously. He looks at me with his soft brown eyes and I chicken out. “What do you get when you mix black and Jewish?”

I close my eyes. I kind of hate myself in that moment.

“Really Simon?” He asks. Neither of us are the biggest fan of Martin right now, so me repeating his joke wasn’t ideal.

“No not really.” Our cart stalls at the very top of the ferris wheel. I look out and feel like I’m on top of the world. It’s dark enough that I can’t see the rides, but I can see the lights on them as they twist, spin, and rock. It looks really cool. I look back at Bram. He is looking at me in his no pressure kind of way. He gives me strength to say what I want to say. “I love you.”

My heart is beating a mile a minute and my brain seems to have gone foggy as he processes what I said.

“I love you too,” he whispers. He brings his hand up to my cheek and I lean into his kiss. I don’t know if anyone can see us. The ferris wheel is one of the more lit up rides in the carnival because of all the lights, but somehow the thought of being seen doesn’t make me self-conscious. My eyes flutter shut. He loves me. He really loves me.


End file.
